Graphics Designing is easy

Recently I hired someone online to help me do up some graphics (banners) for a cheap price of $60USD. I got myself a steal. Or so I thought.

It was really great initially. You get to watch TV, play computer games and go to bed early (although "early" has always been subjective in my case since it meant 3-4am) while someone did you work, for a small price.

I got the deal off freelancer.com and I chose this guy who had many many good reviews written about him (I cant remember probably over 60?). So I was quite relieved since I had to come up with some banner designs within 3 days. I have had many good experiences working with people from Freelancer.com even when they had very few user reviews.

However, these were the cool, kick-ass graphics I got:






When I first received these designs I slapped myself to make sure I wasnt dreaming, and to my horror I really wasnt. In fact after I looked at these cringe-worthy "graphics", I was at a loss of whether to cry or laugh.


I would never have expected someone to submit such work even if it were for a measly $60USD, much less a "professional graphics artist". So I filed for a dispute and got 3/4 of my money back. Not before the "professional graphics artist" had the cheek to tell me he spent hours on this. (which was really just pasting text which I emailed him onto the pictures he found online using some state of the art graphics editing software like Microsoft Paint).


To verify his claims, I spent some time to see how long it would take for a noob like me to really do up a masterpiece. I spent about 3 minutes googling for a more suitable image. Then I spent about 3 minutes replicating what he did to the images using Fireworks (a watered down version of Photoshop).


If I had used Microsoft Paint I would have shaved about 1 minute off the total time taken.

Oh and did I say I found one of the images on google?

"Hi my name is Lingus and I am a human analyst"

I am a manager at a training centre in Singapore that was established nearly 25 years ago. I am good at analyzing people which is why I got my job. When I see someone with a tattoo on his left arm he must have done jail time. Similarly a guy who does not look good wearing business attire is likely to suck at work as well. I also do not like people who carry Nokia phones, because the iPhone is the best product ever created and only the new generation of iPhone is better. Steve Jobs is also my role model, when I give my next presentation, I would wear a turtleneck with jeans . Showing any mobile phones other than an iPhone in my presence is blasphemous and if you were smart enough you should have already walked out of the room before the interview.


Very often I get asked this question, "Lingus, why are you so successful?" To which I can only answer, "I was born this way." I cannot help but think that some people should just learn their place in society and stop comparing themselves to the likes of me. Because they were never born to win and never will, not even come nary close to my diffused fart.


I like humble people, and it would be better if they love to be humiliated. This stems from the fact that my knowledge extends beyond the edges of the known universe and my wealth of experience is second to none. Although I have never fought in wars or slogged through the economic recessions, I know I would have been able to change the courses and outcomes of history - sadly my talents were not recognized as I was born in the wrong era. If I were an allied general in WWII, I would have ordered the assassination of Hitler and that would be the end of it. I fail to comprehend why people in the past were so stupid.


That said,I am still happy to be able to share my insights with anyone. I am so interesting that you cannot show disinterest when talking to me. And I also happen to not like anyone suggest that he knows something more that I do, because theoretically it is not possible and I would hear nothing of it.


If I am not considered to be smart, I am confident that no one can be anywhere near this namesake. In fact, calling me "smart" is a gross understatement. I prefer to be known as "the wise one" because I like Dumbledore in Harry Potter series and he is about as smart as I am.


That said, I am receptive towards opinions that I think are right and I am very keen to groom new graduates who share the same thoughts. Holding interviews gives me the very opportunity to spot promising fresh-out-of-school candidates who will no doubt inherit my legacy and succeed me in about 30 years' time.


I have a good colleague, Mr Cunning, who coincidentally also likes interviewing people. Together we strike terror into the hearts of any diffident interviewee who has the audacity to step into our office without being prepared. We will however be lenient towards well-groomed female candidates especially if they are well-endowed and came in cleavage bearing blouses and tight mini-skirts.


Perhaps the only reason for me to not move to another corporation (despite the fact that I have never really been approached) is my comrade Mr Cunning, who thinks nearly on the same frequency as I did - sans the fact that I was still way smarter. During interviews, we ran down each candidate while amusing ourselves. More often than not, we had already came to the same decision beforehand which was to hire someone we already knew.


Sometimes I shudder to think, how would I have coped without him and he without me? We are like two peas in a pod, not to be separated and we are the very pillars of this foundation. Thinking about this motivates me and helps me cope with the atrocities in life.


We held another spate of interviews quite recently, looking for a replacement, even though we already had the most obvious choice in mind (my nephew), we decided to proceed with the interview so as to while time away.


Last Tuesday morning I had my usual daily routine of a hearty Macdonald's breakfast and reading papers for the day. I was about to surf facebook when the most repulsive created I have ever met, walked through the doorway. The obnoxious guy who introduced himself as a job applicant looked like a WoW orc dressed in business overalls.


As we settled down feeling disgruntled for the interview, my mind was really still thinking about whether to grant the 12 friends' request on my Facebook. The interview was doomed to fail from the start - this...... troll did not look thoroughly through our cutting-edge website. Just for the mention, our website meets with the most stringent Web 2.0, 2.5 and 3.0. compliance and has Twitter, Facebook and other social media buttons, including Google Map showing our office location on it and it infuriated me.


Some days ago I had personally called for their implementation overnight because I read that there are now over 400 million social network users and if every one of them attended our courses we would make more money than Mark Zuckerberg.


I was exacerbated at his lack of understanding towards our website, which is one of my proudest achievements thus far. Failure to remember each web element on our website is an insult and he was lucky I could not have it my way otherwise I would have tied him somewhere in the heart CBD and ordered public stoning and immediate execution thereafter.


However, Mr Cunning and I were nice enough to give him a 15 minute "lesson" on the importance of remembering and noting down each page and content of a website prior to interviews. I also asked him, "What is the difference between a Certificate and a Certification?"


When he couldnt reply, I took the chance to sneer and sent him away. I hope he has got the answer figured out by now. Till this day, I can hardly believe my pleasant Tuesday morning was ruined by this retarded kid.

"One of my favourite pastimes is to go for interviews"

Having been out of job for quite some time, I have been actively sending job applications to which I get about a 50% hit/miss rate - which is nothing too bad statistically considering my lacklustre grades at a second-rate degree mill.


And having been to countless interviews where I am told to "go home and wait for our call", I believe I am now thoroughly trained in all aspects of job-hunting and am knowledgeable enough to hold seminars on "how to get rejected for that interview".


I can recount the most memorable instances such as that of being told in my face that my in-experience and lack of qualifications are through faults none other than my own and that my unpleasant disposition just killed off any remote possibility of me being hired for this position (or any positions in the future). Despite it being hurting initially, i have learned to not let it affect me emotionally through my alter-ego fighting injustices and saving damsels in distress on the internet late at night.


My reconciliation efforts have gone well thus far and I do not get haunting nightmares that make me wet my bed in the wee hours often. Although sometimes I still get "deja-vu" spells such as when I step into a new office awaiting my next interview.


While looking awkwardly at other job applicants, I reassure myself that "everything is going to be fine" by looking at my watch, intently watching the seconds tick by and mumbling and smiling nervously to myself.


Sometimes I do get the feeling that the receptionist is looking at me suspiciously every 2 minutes or so but I would allay my anxiety by scribbling furiously on a little black notebook from the days of NS which I consider a must-have when taking lengthy bus journeys so I can jot down any inspirations for blogging along the way.


I now spend most of my freetime scouring streets and checking trash bins for soft-drink cans and scraping leftovers off plates at the nearby hawker centre for sustenance. On good days, I get to keep some for supper which i heat up at the nearest 7-11 store. Sometimes I make small talk with fellow and far more experienced colleagues to fish for information on the best spot to look for aluminum cans. I do not tell them what I do for a living because rivalry is rife in this trade.


Although I am currently gainfully self-employed, I resolve to look for a better career opportunities which is why I still send out job applications once about once a week looking for more rejections from prospective employers that I can proudly update in my résumé.

I do not enjoy playing with cats, please do not volunteer me for your next "save-a-cat" campaign

A few days ago, a friend came over to my place to charge his electric bicycle (not the stationary one if you were stupid enough to think of that). He rode it over from a far corner of this island and that was why it was totally drained. His purpose was for the good of, cats. Well, he's a very big cat lover (not sure if he liked other animals as much) and he decided that bringing them for sterilization was his calling. I didnt think that the cats were as keen as him to get themselves sterilized though I have no problems with that because I (try to) accept that people, are, well, different.


However, the first time he told me that he was coming over to my place to charge up his bicycle, my mobile phone was problematic (it had been problematic all along and it wasnt a lie), I replied to his sms but he did not get it. So he ended up having to go over to his mother's place which was a few hundred stone throws away to get his bike charged up.


So being the enthusiastic cat-lover he was, he started another sterilization exercise over the last weekend. And he proceeded to sms me again and asked for my help. I felt I was obliged to agree to his request this time round.


Despite me being totally uninterested in the soaring cat population and their welfare, I agreed to let him charge his bike so that he could get things going (and hopefully not bother me again with his cat-loving antics). I was more bothered about the cats' incessant love-making noises than the little creatures' welfare so I thought maybe sterilizing them would keep me from waking up in the middle of the night.

I have never ever once in my lifetime bore any remote thoughts about help poor little kittens from getting squashed by 4WDs or getting drowned in a monsoon drain and I certainly didnt think sterilizing cats was a charitable act comparable to saving starving kids dying of AIDS in Africa and Im pretty darn sure I never will.


If I had the money and time I would have spent them on casinos instead, and when I have more money then maybe I would think of spending them at overseas casinos again. Cats copulating at void decks would be the last of my problems.


I don't hate cats. How can anyone hate cuddly furball felines which purr whenever you have a bag of food near them? But that doesnt mean I adore them. I prefer a different kind of pussies, really.


So I had to agree to helping him for this time. Granted I do not live in a slum, it was not too far from the truth as I have too many personal belongings like used tissue covered with snot and whats not, broken remote controls and newspapers dated back to 2008 strewn all over my flat, making it not just inconvenient but also nearly impossible to walk. In fact, it might have been easier if I lived in a slum, since we would not have to take a lift and I would have been spared his weird sense of humour on the way up. Also, I would be too poor to afford electricity and it might have very well made my place in-navigable which would make for the most appropriate excuse to refuse him.


So he came over at about 9.30pm on Sunday (he reached slightly later than our agreed time), then we went back to my place to charge his bike battery. And he parked his bicycle outside my parents' flat.


So I was wondering, if he needed the stuff on his bike, he would have brought the bike along and just handed me the battery for recharging. Which means, he didnt really needed his bike.


Im really bewildered. And flabbergasted. Someone would actually ride his bike down to save a few dollars from taking the bus, forgoing all the ease that a simple bus ride would have provided and found it decidedly convenient to impose on me to help him charge his bike which had a load he didnt really need in helping to facilitate a cat sterilization exercise that Im about as interested with as watching wet paint dry.


After the "cat-trapping" exercise (it was nearly 12am), he reached my place and took back his bike, he was both thankful and apologetic and caused quite a commotion because he was still filled with adrenalin from running around catching cats and therefore spoke quite loudly without realising that it was already midnight.


I was in for a bigger shock when he told me he might need to trouble me further to save about 193 other cats in my precinct (he had saved a grand total of about 17 cats through 2 weekends' hard work). So apparently, it would take another 19 trips in all to save all the cats around my neighbourhood. Be-knownst to him was the fact that I never harboured any intention of going out of my way or my previous TV-time to save the poor little critters living below my block.


It was really a thankless and pointless job, I'm talking about mine. I had to stay awake waiting for him to retrieve his bicycle. Most of the days I sleep late, but thats not the concern. I never ever did profess to anyone that I liked being asked for favours, especially when they are of a non-sexual nature and not coming from someone of the opposite sex.


I think I would need to question the town councils as to why the cat population around my place is growing exponentially while the cat population in other areas are dwindling such that my friend cannot find cats to help in his neighbourhood.


That said, I have also decided that I will be unable to receive his sms this coming weekend.

How to beat Apple at its own game (Part 1 - The 5 reasons why Apple succeeded)

Apple, as we know, has risen from the dead since 1998 with the successful launch of iMac, video editing software Final Cut Pro from Macromedia (later iMovie for consumers, and Final Cut Pro for professionals) and of course the phenomenally successful iPod in 2001.

Of course the next logical product in line was the iPhone, which also met with a big hit with Mac cultists and the general sheep alike. People came in droves and queued up overnight just to be the first to own an Apple gadget.

As many have said before, the driving force behind Apple is Steve Jobs, whose real forte is in marketing. That said, we cannot truly deny that a great deal of thought and R&D had went into products like iPods and iPhones since they were not the first such products to be out in the market. So what made these products such big hits with the masses?

1. Aestheticism. Apple's product designs were sleek. They look as though they have been carved right out from a marble slab. First impression counts for a lot really, at a time when all companies came out with with products that had more features and were in specs-wise much better than the ipod. But what companies like Creative and Sony did not realise was that their products lacked charm while Apple's iPod oozed sex appeal.
In retrospect, they might have done better if they had poured funds into marketing and product design and shut down their R&D department.

2. Simplicity. The basic principle that Apple had always adhered to. What good is a product if you have to spend hours poring over the manual? Remember, most people arent technically inclined and they have no wish to. I can only imagine a girl whose only hobbies are farmville and facebook to be tearing her hair out in frustration if she was given a Creative player back in 2001 as compared to an iPod which would have made a good fashion accessory even if she didnt know how to operate the player. At least it made her look "cool".

But I digress - iPod was really easy to use with the click-wheel, but the same really goes for the Creative player sans the fact it did not come with a wheel (i dont really like the wheel, it just makes for extra effort when I could just click click click my way through my songlist). It's just how you brainwash users into thinking, "look, it's easy and cool!"

3. The Web. Steve knew the Internet was something he could not ignore so he used it to the best of his advantage at a time when other big companies were still hesitant to do any type of marketing online. So, there was ample of opportunities online and the Internet was at his disposal which allowed him to generate plenty of hype and thereby clearing the path for his new products.


Netizens were easily converted to become iPod lovers even though most of them are not geeks by any forms of measure. By showing advertisement videos online and making people look forward to Apple events and products, it gets people interested even if you were really just selling a rock you picked up from the East Coast beach. And web marketing was really cheap in comparison to other forms of marketing.

Of course, many other companies tried to copy Apple's efforts but nearly all failed.


Other than admitting Steve Jobs indeed has charm, and that he is good, more importantly, the smooth-talker in turtleneck has planned well ahead of every keynote address.

The Apple App-store was a smart move. A very very smart one at that. By allowing external programmers to have a free hand in developing more programs (at a small price of $99 for their developer package), it made the online store look like a god-send for budding entrepreneurs and computer whizzes to practise their skills in hope of exchange for some money. At the same time, it raised the stakes for the game, with an online store of hundreds of thousands of third-party applications, iPhone owners were spoilt for choice and competitors were driven to the edge. The possibilities were endless. Apple got their publicity and more revenue online and free marketing while app developers got to hone their skills and money too and Apple gadget owners get access to an online phone-application library at their fingertips anytime anywhere - which was the ultra plus point for being on the web. Win Win Win situation.

4. Planning ahead. Most decision makers plan 1 step ahead, but Steve Jobs plans many steps ahead. A product which is viable and feasible but does not have room to grow might very well fail in the near future. Apple's marketing team was really smart and Steve Jobs knew which direction Apple is to be headed if it wants to replicate or even outdo its initial successes back in the early 1980s. Instead of competing in the high-end specs sector head-on with companies like Microsoft and Sony, it would be best to focus and differentiate itself on a single product. And to re-examine how other companies did their marketing, which was what the CEO did best.

However, continual success depends on succession. It's not possible to capture a big slice of the market with 1 ipod. Revision on the original product should be an ongoing process that ought to be started when the first prototype was launched.


As mentioned earlier App-store was another smart product of Apple. It allows Apple to monitor web-usage (how many applications were downloaded, geographical location of users) and this information is very useful - most of the time, market research is a painful process, but probably less so from Apple, when they can simply derive the information from their websites. It tells them which applications are popular and therefore allows them to hire the right people and move in the right direction.


5. Take necessary, calculated risks.

Nokia made a terrible mistake by resting on its laurels and not willing to venture further or delve deeper into its products' development. If only they had taken more interest in the Symbian mobile operating system, it would have helped to cement their position in the mobile phone market against Apple and Google. There were already many third party applications available for Symbian back in the early 2000s, although most of them are poorly maintained.

Nokia probably did not think further as to how it could have made the Symbian OS open-source or had wooed potential application developers into making better programs.


Apple's history and track records were also, by no means stellar given its string of failures back in the late 80s, early 90s. But it picked itself up and moved on because it dared to reinvent itself(and of course not forgetting, technological advances which made products like iPod, iPhone and iPad possible) despite the risks involved.

No one kicks a dead dog and it's even more pointless to flog a dead horse. If you are not keen on using your first-mover's advantage then be prepared to witness your own downfall.

Podcast was stupid. Twitter is the new stupid

About 3 years ago, podcast was the "in" thing. While indeed it sounds revolutionary, it is nothing of the sort really. Podcasts are simply small digital video/audio clips that celebrities and celebrity-wannabes recorded and uploaded to the Internet.

The lengths to which people would actually coin a term for "digital content" so as to associate it with Apple's technology is really something I could not possibly understand. I believe the term would have made more sense to me if I traveled back in time to 1996 and called snippets of my incoherent ramblings on a cassette tape a Podcast and simply painted discmans and walkmans white and called them iPods. But on hindsight I did not, and that was why I remained this poor pauper that I still am today.

I admit that I've have never been a big fan of iPods after a friend sold me his "refurbished" iPod which could last for about a lengthy 45min of playback. Now, a song by comparison lasts for about 4minutes so I could plug in to the cute white music player and put the track on repeat mode for 10, maybe 11 times and that would be it.

Of course, I could have taken the iPod on a jog since it could help me keep track of how long I ran, or I could have brought along a $20 casio watch that kept time just as well. Carrying around a 300g mp3 player as I ran would also be perfect for weight training although I abandoned the idea as I could never decide whether to train my left or right hand each day.

So now, they have Twitter, or micro-blogging. Which really wasnt available already on Facebook or blogs or RSS feeds or forums when they first launched. Many people likened it to Internet SMS. The service works this way, you get an account which is something like your blog and you update it frequently and your messages ("tweets") get pushed to people who "follow" you. Well, most of those who use Twitter feel that they have to let everyone else know what they are up to every few minutes.

Twitter would really be useful if you were senile and incontinent which would explain why you forgot that you crapped in your pants while tripping over your soiled underwear 3 times over the last hour and therefore you need to constantly remind the social workers of your whereabouts.


But no, I would safely assume most of these twerps (twitter users) are actually people who spend most of their lifetime sitting in front of a terminal staring blankly at the screen while thinking about their next 160 character tweet when in fact, they could be like me typing out the next 1600 word blog post. At least I dont have to delete my message over and over again just to make sure it doesnt exceed the word limit.