I am a manager at a training centre in Singapore that was established nearly 25 years ago. I am good at analyzing people which is why I got my job. When I see someone with a tattoo on his left arm he must have done jail time. Similarly a guy who does not look good wearing business attire is likely to suck at work as well. I also do not like people who carry Nokia phones, because the iPhone is the best product ever created and only the new generation of iPhone is better. Steve Jobs is also my role model, when I give my next presentation, I would wear a turtleneck with jeans . Showing any mobile phones other than an iPhone in my presence is blasphemous and if you were smart enough you should have already walked out of the room before the interview.
Very often I get asked this question, "Lingus, why are you so successful?" To which I can only answer, "I was born this way." I cannot help but think that some people should just learn their place in society and stop comparing themselves to the likes of me. Because they were never born to win and never will, not even come nary close to my diffused fart.
I like humble people, and it would be better if they love to be humiliated. This stems from the fact that my knowledge extends beyond the edges of the known universe and my wealth of experience is second to none. Although I have never fought in wars or slogged through the economic recessions, I know I would have been able to change the courses and outcomes of history - sadly my talents were not recognized as I was born in the wrong era. If I were an allied general in WWII, I would have ordered the assassination of Hitler and that would be the end of it. I fail to comprehend why people in the past were so stupid.
That said,I am still happy to be able to share my insights with anyone. I am so interesting that you cannot show disinterest when talking to me. And I also happen to not like anyone suggest that he knows something more that I do, because theoretically it is not possible and I would hear nothing of it.
If I am not considered to be smart, I am confident that no one can be anywhere near this namesake. In fact, calling me "smart" is a gross understatement. I prefer to be known as "the wise one" because I like Dumbledore in Harry Potter series and he is about as smart as I am.
That said, I am receptive towards opinions that I think are right and I am very keen to groom new graduates who share the same thoughts. Holding interviews gives me the very opportunity to spot promising fresh-out-of-school candidates who will no doubt inherit my legacy and succeed me in about 30 years' time.
I have a good colleague, Mr Cunning, who coincidentally also likes interviewing people. Together we strike terror into the hearts of any diffident interviewee who has the audacity to step into our office without being prepared. We will however be lenient towards well-groomed female candidates especially if they are well-endowed and came in cleavage bearing blouses and tight mini-skirts.
Perhaps the only reason for me to not move to another corporation (despite the fact that I have never really been approached) is my comrade Mr Cunning, who thinks nearly on the same frequency as I did - sans the fact that I was still way smarter. During interviews, we ran down each candidate while amusing ourselves. More often than not, we had already came to the same decision beforehand which was to hire someone we already knew.
Sometimes I shudder to think, how would I have coped without him and he without me? We are like two peas in a pod, not to be separated and we are the very pillars of this foundation. Thinking about this motivates me and helps me cope with the atrocities in life.
We held another spate of interviews quite recently, looking for a replacement, even though we already had the most obvious choice in mind (my nephew), we decided to proceed with the interview so as to while time away.
Last Tuesday morning I had my usual daily routine of a hearty Macdonald's breakfast and reading papers for the day. I was about to surf facebook when the most repulsive created I have ever met, walked through the doorway. The obnoxious guy who introduced himself as a job applicant looked like a WoW orc dressed in business overalls.
As we settled down feeling disgruntled for the interview, my mind was really still thinking about whether to grant the 12 friends' request on my Facebook. The interview was doomed to fail from the start - this...... troll did not look thoroughly through our cutting-edge website. Just for the mention, our website meets with the most stringent Web 2.0, 2.5 and 3.0. compliance and has Twitter, Facebook and other social media buttons, including Google Map showing our office location on it and it infuriated me.
Some days ago I had personally called for their implementation overnight because I read that there are now over 400 million social network users and if every one of them attended our courses we would make more money than Mark Zuckerberg.
I was exacerbated at his lack of understanding towards our website, which is one of my proudest achievements thus far. Failure to remember each web element on our website is an insult and he was lucky I could not have it my way otherwise I would have tied him somewhere in the heart CBD and ordered public stoning and immediate execution thereafter.
However, Mr Cunning and I were nice enough to give him a 15 minute "lesson" on the importance of remembering and noting down each page and content of a website prior to interviews. I also asked him, "What is the difference between a Certificate and a Certification?"
When he couldnt reply, I took the chance to sneer and sent him away. I hope he has got the answer figured out by now. Till this day, I can hardly believe my pleasant Tuesday morning was ruined by this retarded kid.
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